Podcast

Doug and Psychotherapist David Feder address member submitted questions/struggles:

• We’re doing so well after over two years, but I’m stuck still hurting. I’m scared that after over two years I’m still not healed. Really scared...
• I am convinced he is still in the affair and I don’t know what to do.
• Why would my husband gain pleasure in continually making sure I know he still thinks of his affair partner?
• I am trying to forgive her and move on but she is constantly accusing me of cheating. I have never cheated on her and I don't know why she keeps accusing me of it.
• Please give me some pointers on what I could do to get myself out of my affair. How can I look to my husband for the same emotional support that I got from my affair partner?

Doug asks Psychotherapist David Feder several member questions. Here are the questions we addressed:

• My husband meets every qualification as a serial cheater, is it even possible for him to change?
• Will divorcing my spouse help heal my pain?
• Should I be OK with my husband wanting to be involved with his illegitimate child? And how do I get over his infidelity when I have to see the child?
• Should I have my spouse take a lie detector test?
• How do I create a safe and effective communication space for him to open up to me, without me pushing him away?
• How can I fix my marriage when the things I need aren’t being addressed?
• I am still stuck in the anger phase and have been stuck in it for 8 months…. I don’t know how to get past it.

Psychotherapist David Feder and Doug answer several member questions.

Here are the questions (short version):

• Any advice for the spouse whose cheating partner still works very closely with the affair partner?
• What is the best way to confront the issue of whether your partner is having an affair without being accusatory?
• Will the pain ever go away?
• What to do if your unfaithful spouse won't talk or otherwise participate in the healing process?
• Would I be right in asking him to leave the house until at least he shows he is able to control his anger?
• Any thoughts on how I can help my husband heal when my affair was 38 years ago?

Psychotherapist David Feder and Doug discuss the period known as "limbo" when the unfaithful person is trying to decide whether to stay in the marriage or leave for the affair partner.

Here is what was discussed:

• The typical mindset of the unfaithful person who is having a difficult time deciding between his/her spouse and the affair partner.
• The mindset of the hurt partner.
• What stops the unfaithful person from making a decision?
• Should a hurt spouse set a boundary and force the other spouse to make a decision? Or should they let things play out?
• Should a hurt spouse maintain physical relations with the unfaithful person when they are in this limbo period?
• Is there a recommended process for an involved partner to go through as they try to make a decision?
• What about the hurt spouse...What should they be doing at the same time?

Psychotherapist David Feder fields some member questions. He provides his perspectives on the following questions:

• How can I stay married to a man who has said he loves someone else?
• What do you do if your spouse keeps hanging on to the other woman?
• How do you differentiate between affair fog love and real love for the affair partner?
• As spouses how do we help them see their affair is a fantasy and not real?
• And more...

Doug and Psychotherapist and infidelity expert, David Feder wrap up our discussion on the 9-steps to forgiveness.

Doug and Psychotherapist David Feder delve into Dr. Fred Luskin's 9-steps to forgiveness.

This is part one of a series on forgiveness where we talk about three of the nine steps.

Doug and Psychotherapist David Feder explore the foundational elements of forgiveness:

• What it is. What it isn't.
• What are the benefits?
• Being open to forgiveness.
• The notion that it lets the betrayer "off the hook."
• And more...

This session sets the stage for a follow up session where we will get into the 9-step process of forgiveness.

Doug and David respond to a few member questions:

• Why does a person need to feel wanted so badly that he/she would compromise their marriage and ruin his/her family?
• Can you give me an idea as to what my husband’s thought process that allowed him to go from a loving husband to a cold and bitter stranger seemingly overnight?
• An unfaithful person asks what he can do to "build his wife back up" again.
• Do you have any experience with a spouse in denial about an affair when you go to marriage counseling?
• Will a therapist actually TELL the cheating spouse that they are, in fact, cheating?

Psychotherapist David Feder responds to a couple of member questions. Here are some of the issues that were addressed:

• Dealing with triggers
• The betrayed spouse reconciling that her husband was capable of hurting her by having an affair
• Compartmentalization on the part of the unfaithful person
• Should one agree to a trial separation with certain parameters?
• Maintaining strong healthy boundaries. No contact with the affair partner, for instance.
• More...