Podcast

In this session, Doug and David tackle the following member questions:

• How do I deal with the fact that my husband of 53 years is still in contact with his "ex" affair partner?
• How can I forget and move on after my husband fathered a child with his affair partner?
• How much should we share with our adult children - in their mid-to-late 20's - about my husband's affair? Should we volunteer info?
• How much details/information is too much?
• Have you ever seen any success stories where the person who had an affair remained friends with the third party and it worked out?

Doug and Psychotherapist David Feder dig into this topic with the following questions:

• What is this all about and is it possible to save your marriage?
• Signs and what to look for
• Is Couples Therapy indicated?
• Is it possible to heal without accountability?
• What does Accountability look like?
• What does the Hurt Partner need to understand?
• What should the Hurt Partner do if the Involved Partner continues not to show remorse?

Doug and Psychotherapist David Feder address some member questions:

• My soon to be ex-wife had an affair and basically got away with it, while I suffer. I feel like I want some sort of revenge. What do I do?
• I cannot get over my husband's affair but he refuses therapy and talking about it. Is the fact that I cannot get past the affair reason enough to break up my marriage and deprive my kids of seeing their father on a daily basis? I feel terribly guilty. Am I being selfish?
• I’ve been cheated on by my wife with 3 men and the last one doesn’t want her anymore. Now she wants to work on things. Am I setting myself to be cheated on again?
• Why do people refuse to accept that it could be their fault that their partner cheated on them? In my case, my husband (who I cheated on) has been emotionally abusive/absent for years and I became involved with a person who I love.
• My wife is having an affair with an old boyfriend who is also married. She has asked me to allow her to continue this affair but wants to stay married. Should I agree & under what terms & conditions?

Doug and Psychotherapist David Feder address some member questions:

• Should I tell our young kids about my wife's affair?
• I was wondering how long it takes for self esteem to come back? I feel like I'm not enough, never will be and every good looking lady that I see, I think my husband is going to run off with her. I think I'm going mad. Is this normal?
• My husband still denies his affair. He said he will not apologize and has no remorse for what he did so, we've just swept it all under the rug. What do I do?
• My unfaithful husband has made many promises since his affair was discovered, but he never follows through. How much longer should I put up with this??
• I'm the unfaithful person. My husband struggles from triggers of my affair which make me feel punished. I have a very difficult time talking about the affair and I do not like bringing all those memories back up. I have tried so hard to put my affair in the past. I am just struggling. Help.

Here's what Doug and Psychotherapist David Feder touch on during this coaching session:

• Time is short... Making good use of the time we have.
• Are you just going through the motions?
• The importance of working towards specific goals.
• When you're stuck in a holding pattern yet are doing nothing about it.
• The connection between the mind, body, stress and environment and certain physical and mental illnesses.
• The importance of a recovery plan such as David's VISION (Here's a link for an audio that talks about VISION)
• And more...

In this session, Doug and David Feder talk about some positive ways in which an unfaithful person can cope with shame and move forward.

Here are the questions we addressed:

• What is shame and is it basically the same thing as guilt?
• What does shame feel like to someone who is experiencing it? Can there be physical symptoms?
• Can the feelings of shame be so intense that they can paralyze a person to the extent that they can't even talk about their affair, much less help in the recovery process?
• What are some things a person who is experiencing a high level of shame can do to cope and overcome it?
• Is there anything the hurt person can do to help their partner cope with their shame?
• How can therapy help with the coping process?

It’s easy to give up on your marriage when it feels like the odds are stacked against you, and even more so if your spouse is ready to call it quits. But for some reason, you’re not ready to throw in the towel just yet.

No matter the reason, you still believe that the marriage can be saved from its impending demise, even if it means trying alone.

Doug and Psychotherapist David Feder tackle this important topic in this month's session. Here are the questions we address:

• What are some typical reasons that you see in your practice when one partner quits trying and seemingly refuses to do any of the work towards improving or saving their marriage?
• Is it possible to be the only one interested in saving a marriage – and still affect change in your marriage? How?
• I've read some articles from experts that advise that if you're the one who is doing all the work, initiating discussions, etc., that you stop discussing the problems or negative issues with the marriage or with your partner, and focus more on what's good in the marriage...the positive stuff. I guess the thought is that by acting positive and not dwelling on the bad stuff, you can affect a positive change in your marriage. What are your thoughts on this and whether it can be a good course of action?
• How does self-care play into this if you're trying to save a marriage alone?
• What role can therapy play in all of this - especially if one partner is hesitant or refuses to go to therapy?
• So what are some things a person should be doing when trying to save their marriage alone? What are some things they should definitely not be doing?
• When is it time to call it quits?

Doug and David Feder discuss betrayal trauma - its effects and treatments.

Here are the questions David addresses: 

Understanding Betrayal Trauma:

• What does betrayal trauma look and feel like to the person who has been cheated on?
• How does trauma affect the brain and/or a person's thinking?
• How does trauma affect the marital relationship? 

Recovering from Trauma:

• What sort of treatments/therapies are available to someone who has experienced betrayal trauma?
• What can a person do outside of therapy to aid in their own recovery?
• What can the unfaithful person do to help?

Doug and Psychotherapist David Feder have a discussion about "some of the indicators that may suggest that your spouse isn't really serious about recovery".

Some of the points talked about are signs that may indicate whether either the Hurt Partner, or the Involved/Participating partner might be wasting their time in recovery. The thought is after betrayal the pain is too deep and sometimes, therapy goes on too long and every effort should be made to educate the parties involved so they can be self-determining with regards to whether or not they should continue to invest their energy and time in recovery. Or on the other hand, whether they should cut their losses, focus on their own recovery and move on.

Doug and David address several member submitted questions in this month's Group Coaching Session:

• Do I end the affair or stay together for the kids?
• I had an affair and am racked with guilt. How do I heal?
• How can I be confident that my husband's diagnosed sex addiction is not used just as an excuse to explain his extramarital affairs?
• I am strongly considering an affair. I feel love and affection is missing in my life. What should I do?
• More...