Podcast

Here's what Doug and Psychotherapist David Feder touch on during this coaching session:

• Time is short... Making good use of the time we have.
• Are you just going through the motions?
• The importance of working towards specific goals.
• When you're stuck in a holding pattern yet are doing nothing about it.
• The connection between the mind, body, stress and environment and certain physical and mental illnesses.
• The importance of a recovery plan such as David's VISION (Here's a link for an audio that talks about VISION)
• And more...

In this session, Doug and David Feder talk about some positive ways in which an unfaithful person can cope with shame and move forward.

Here are the questions we addressed:

• What is shame and is it basically the same thing as guilt?
• What does shame feel like to someone who is experiencing it? Can there be physical symptoms?
• Can the feelings of shame be so intense that they can paralyze a person to the extent that they can't even talk about their affair, much less help in the recovery process?
• What are some things a person who is experiencing a high level of shame can do to cope and overcome it?
• Is there anything the hurt person can do to help their partner cope with their shame?
• How can therapy help with the coping process?

It’s easy to give up on your marriage when it feels like the odds are stacked against you, and even more so if your spouse is ready to call it quits. But for some reason, you’re not ready to throw in the towel just yet.

No matter the reason, you still believe that the marriage can be saved from its impending demise, even if it means trying alone.

Doug and Psychotherapist David Feder tackle this important topic in this month's session. Here are the questions we address:

• What are some typical reasons that you see in your practice when one partner quits trying and seemingly refuses to do any of the work towards improving or saving their marriage?
• Is it possible to be the only one interested in saving a marriage – and still affect change in your marriage? How?
• I've read some articles from experts that advise that if you're the one who is doing all the work, initiating discussions, etc., that you stop discussing the problems or negative issues with the marriage or with your partner, and focus more on what's good in the marriage...the positive stuff. I guess the thought is that by acting positive and not dwelling on the bad stuff, you can affect a positive change in your marriage. What are your thoughts on this and whether it can be a good course of action?
• How does self-care play into this if you're trying to save a marriage alone?
• What role can therapy play in all of this - especially if one partner is hesitant or refuses to go to therapy?
• So what are some things a person should be doing when trying to save their marriage alone? What are some things they should definitely not be doing?
• When is it time to call it quits?

Doug and David Feder discuss betrayal trauma - its effects and treatments.

Here are the questions David addresses: 

Understanding Betrayal Trauma:

• What does betrayal trauma look and feel like to the person who has been cheated on?
• How does trauma affect the brain and/or a person's thinking?
• How does trauma affect the marital relationship? 

Recovering from Trauma:

• What sort of treatments/therapies are available to someone who has experienced betrayal trauma?
• What can a person do outside of therapy to aid in their own recovery?
• What can the unfaithful person do to help?

Doug and Psychotherapist David Feder have a discussion about "some of the indicators that may suggest that your spouse isn't really serious about recovery".

Some of the points talked about are signs that may indicate whether either the Hurt Partner, or the Involved/Participating partner might be wasting their time in recovery. The thought is after betrayal the pain is too deep and sometimes, therapy goes on too long and every effort should be made to educate the parties involved so they can be self-determining with regards to whether or not they should continue to invest their energy and time in recovery. Or on the other hand, whether they should cut their losses, focus on their own recovery and move on.

Doug and David address several member submitted questions in this month's Group Coaching Session:

• Do I end the affair or stay together for the kids?
• I had an affair and am racked with guilt. How do I heal?
• How can I be confident that my husband's diagnosed sex addiction is not used just as an excuse to explain his extramarital affairs?
• I am strongly considering an affair. I feel love and affection is missing in my life. What should I do?
• More...

Doug and Psychotherapist David Feder address member submitted questions/struggles:

• We’re doing so well after over two years, but I’m stuck still hurting. I’m scared that after over two years I’m still not healed. Really scared...
• I am convinced he is still in the affair and I don’t know what to do.
• Why would my husband gain pleasure in continually making sure I know he still thinks of his affair partner?
• I am trying to forgive her and move on but she is constantly accusing me of cheating. I have never cheated on her and I don't know why she keeps accusing me of it.
• Please give me some pointers on what I could do to get myself out of my affair. How can I look to my husband for the same emotional support that I got from my affair partner?

Doug asks Psychotherapist David Feder several member questions. Here are the questions we addressed:

• My husband meets every qualification as a serial cheater, is it even possible for him to change?
• Will divorcing my spouse help heal my pain?
• Should I be OK with my husband wanting to be involved with his illegitimate child? And how do I get over his infidelity when I have to see the child?
• Should I have my spouse take a lie detector test?
• How do I create a safe and effective communication space for him to open up to me, without me pushing him away?
• How can I fix my marriage when the things I need aren’t being addressed?
• I am still stuck in the anger phase and have been stuck in it for 8 months…. I don’t know how to get past it.

Psychotherapist David Feder and Doug answer several member questions.

Here are the questions (short version):

• Any advice for the spouse whose cheating partner still works very closely with the affair partner?
• What is the best way to confront the issue of whether your partner is having an affair without being accusatory?
• Will the pain ever go away?
• What to do if your unfaithful spouse won't talk or otherwise participate in the healing process?
• Would I be right in asking him to leave the house until at least he shows he is able to control his anger?
• Any thoughts on how I can help my husband heal when my affair was 38 years ago?

Psychotherapist David Feder and Doug discuss the period known as "limbo" when the unfaithful person is trying to decide whether to stay in the marriage or leave for the affair partner.

Here is what was discussed:

• The typical mindset of the unfaithful person who is having a difficult time deciding between his/her spouse and the affair partner.
• The mindset of the hurt partner.
• What stops the unfaithful person from making a decision?
• Should a hurt spouse set a boundary and force the other spouse to make a decision? Or should they let things play out?
• Should a hurt spouse maintain physical relations with the unfaithful person when they are in this limbo period?
• Is there a recommended process for an involved partner to go through as they try to make a decision?
• What about the hurt spouse...What should they be doing at the same time?