Should I Tell My Partner That I Cheated?
Affairs are based on dishonesty and if you are going to rebuild your relationship with your committed partner I advise you to rebuild your relationship on a foundation of honesty. That means you should tell your partner about your secret life. In my view, if you don’t share that information about your secret, or hidden past you are simply continuing the lie.
Most people I speak to tell me that they would prefer avoiding sharing this part of their part with their partner because of the fall-out they anticipate will follow it if they do. I appreciate their concern, but it would be even worse in my opinion, if your partner found out on his or her own sometime in the future that their relationship with you was built on a lie. It would be worse if they realized that their relationship with you was built on their belief that they were your one and only and they weren’t!
In his book entitled, Love Busters, Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. wrote “confessing to an affair will certainly upset your spouse, but it isn’t the confession that’s upsetting. It’s the affair! In fact, lying about it makes it even more upsetting. Dishonesty usually only postpones your spouse’s discovery of the truth, and once it’s revealed, your spouse will be upset by both your thoughtless behaviour and your dishonesty. And of the two, your dishonesty will usually hurt your spouse more than whatever it was you were trying to conceal. Dishonesty in marriage, once discovered, causes incredible pain. That’s why it’s dishonesty – not honesty – that is a Love Buster.”
My advice is that the truth is always best and your partner will come to appreciate your honesty, even though it hurt initially and regardless of whether you stayed together, or decided to separate. Not all relationships can be saved. The truth is that whatever the outcome, I believe that people look at being told the truth as being respected. I have met with too many people who weren’t told and who found out about their partner’s infidelity years later and by accident after being diagnosed with illnesses such as herpes, or AIDS, or after being contacted by the third party. Doesn’t your partner deserve a better fate?
I understand that telling your partner you cheated may be the most difficult conversation you ever had and if you do, you are correct if you expect your partner to respond with anger, disappointment and sadness. Before telling your partner you may want to read my article, Thinking About Telling Your Spouse/Partner About Your Affair: Read This First. However those strong feelings will eventually abate and counseling is available for you and your partner. Relationships can be healed if they are given the chance but there are no guarantees that all relationships will survive infidelity. Statistics indicate that relationships with a good, strong foundation where there are good memories to draw from have a very good chance of surviving infidelity.
I urge you not to try to get past the trauma that may often follow disclosure alone. Instead, get help from a professional who understands what infidelity is and how to help people recover from it. Counseling will help you understand why you strayed outside of your relationship and it will give you and your partner a way to make the best decision about the future of your relationship.
In my opinion it is best to build your relationship based on honesty and respect for your partner!