Thinking About Telling Your Spouse/Partner About Your Affair? Read This First

You’ve been cheating on your spouse and you don’t know what to do? You consider telling your spouse because deep down you want to stop the lying, stop living a double life. You’ve decided that it’s time to start the healing, but how do you do it? What do you need to think about and what should you expect the reaction to be? Many people have an affair and often I hear them say, “I’ve learned my lesson… I can’t see myself ever having another affair.” Statistics show that fewer people have serial affairs.

To help those of you who want to tell your partner about your affair but don’t know how to… here are a few things to consider before you sit your partner down to have this discussion. Considering the following points will help, but the truth is that nothing will make the conversation easy. The conversation you are about to have is both an important one and it is a hard one to have. In fact, the conversation may be the most important conversation you’ll ever have during the lifetime of your relationship. How you handle it may lay the foundation for whether your relationship survives your affair or not. For that reason, it is important that it be handled properly and with tremendous sensitivity.

Here are a few points to consider:

• think about your spouse’s/partner’s personality. His/her personality will be a good indicator of the reaction you will get
• make sure that you have ended the affair. You will definitely be asked whether you have and you must be able to answer honestly
• know the reason why you have decided to tell your spouse/partner now. It is important for you to be clear. Your partner may ask you
• think about whether your affair will be a surprise to your spouse/partner
• expect an extreme reaction from your spouse/partner. For that reason, keep it simple. Whatever you tell your partner, try not to overwhelm him/her with information and words. Your partner will most likely hear only a fraction of what you say
• consider the possible reactions of your spouse/partner. He/she will most likely express emotions connected to feelings of rejection and abandonment. These are strong emotions. He/she may react by becoming hypervigilant and suspicious of everything you do. Try to remain sensitive to your partner/spouse
• you must be completely honest
• if you think you know why you had an affair, it may be helpful to share this with your spouse/partner. However, be careful not to blame your spouse/partner for your affair, or make him/her responsible
• state your hopes for the future of your relationship
• expect a full range of emotions from your spouse/partner
• try to determine whether there is concern of suicide/homicide. If you are concerned, take it seriously and take the appropriate steps (i.e. take partner/spouse to emergency of hospital if need be) to ensure the safety of everyone
• try to determine whether there are any weapons in the house, or whether your partner/spouse has access to any (safety plan for both is essential)
  
  

Important! This list is intended to serve as a guide for you to follow if you are considering telling your partner/spouse about your affair. It is not an exhaustive guide of factors to be considered.