The Role of the Brain in a Revolutionary Theory of Why People Have Affairs
A question frequently asked by people who have been hurt by their partner’s affair is, how could this have happened and/or how could you have done this to me? I don’t even know you anymore.
Each day in therapist’s offices across the USA and Canada hours upon hours of clinical time is spent searching for answers to questions like the one’s noted above. Often, answers are difficult to come by as family of origin issues, the presence or absence of a personality disorder, poor communication skills, not enough intimacy, or possibly a sex addiction that may be identified are factors that are considered when trying to understand why. But are we only scratching the surface when trying to define why people cheat?
While it is likely that these and other issues help to explain why people cheat, it is possible that when considering these we may only be referring to some of the precipitating factors. I believe the explanation for what causes an affair, as well as for what perpetuates it may be found in the brain and how it works.
Recovering from infidelity requires that both the participating partner and the hurt partner share a narrative that describes the factors that lead to cheating. But understanding why an affair happened is not an excuse for it taking place. Infidelity causes immense pain and emotional suffering and there is no excuse for inflicting this pain onto another human being regardless of the circumstances. There are always other options. But as you read on you will see that once caught in the “Infidelity ` Trap”, while it is difficult to get out of it, it is not impossible to exit the trap.
There are many reasons for why a person cheats. Some of these will resonate with you while others will not. In addition, you may be feeling too vulnerable and raw to even consider an explanation, thinking that you simply don’t care why they did it! They just did! You are hurt, feeling angry and all you want is to boot his tail out of the house in an attempt to contain further emotional injury.
But before you do anything take a few minutes to consider the following passage. It is taken from a book by Dr. Trina E. Read, entitled “till Sex Do Us Part”.
When you meet someone you’re attracted to, your hypothalamus (the part of your brain at the base of your skull about the size of the end of your thumb) sends signals to your body to start producing an impressive concoction of hormones that I like to call “love drugs”. In fact Rutgers University anthropologist and author of “Why We Love”? Helen Fisher studies our romantic passion. She believes our instinct to love is similar to our drive for hunger and thirst. Along with fellow researchers, Fisher used functional magnetic resonance imagining (fMRI) to peer into the brains of people in early stages of their relationship. When the test subjects looked at a photo of their partner, their brain’s primordial centre, which floods the brain’s dopamine-driven reward circuitry, registered an increase inactivity. Dopamine is the brain’s motivational chemical and is all about craving, elation, high energy and intensely focused attention, creates “highs” similar to those experienced on cocaine or speed, and suppresses production of serotonin, the hormone that helps stabilize our moods. The serotonin shortage creates the nonstop “can’t get you out of my head” thinking. The brain’s emotional and motivational zones become saturated with its’ own brand of amphetamines, which fire up feelings of intense romantic love. These love drugs put you in a heightened state of arousal by kicking your libido into overdrive. When it comes times for you to have sex, you have to do very little for your body to get aroused. Your love hormones already have you good to go.
The above comment provides some insight into how the brain works, particularly with regards to cheating. It also provides us with a superficial appreciation of how a person can get caught in the “Infidelity Trap” that is characterized by “craving, elation, high energy and intensely focused attention”. Behaviours that are so typical of cheaters, behaviours that cause the hurt spouse so much pain and emotional suffering.
But what Dr. Read’s quote also suggests is that what is experienced during an affair mimics a similar high that may have been enjoyed at an earlier stage and time in the committed relationship, a time when passion burned hotter and dreams about the future were discussed with anticipation. A similar high that triggered the same hypothalamus to trigger a release of dopamine and other “love drugs”. This suggests that the challenge of recovery is whether the couple can be motivated sufficiently to work towards reclaiming the passion and drive they once shared!