After discovering an affair, chances are that you are in immense pain. For financial or emotional reasons or both, you cannot afford to be in therapy for years figuring out your relationship issues. You need a quicker process that makes a meaningful recovery possible.
Like everything else in life, you have to know where you are going. Think about it: what is the first thing you do when you want to go on a trip? You decide where you want to go, you plan how you are going to get there, and then you act. None of us say I want to go on a trip and then just expect it to happen!
Similarly many people come into therapy not knowing where they want to end up. They think they will be able to figure it out along the way. But do you really want to leave your future to chance? I wouldn’t.
“Recovery” should never be an “I’ll determine my outcome based on how things are going” proposition. That’s like sitting on the fence to me. With time, the natural weathering and decaying processes that occurs will eventually rot the fence you’re sitting on, and the same is true of rebuilding a relationship after an affair. If you remain unsure and uncommitted by sitting on the fence and staying there then, with time, the natural decaying processes of a relationship caused by indecision, inconsistent effort, and uncertainty will eventually cause your relationship to rot and separation could be the eventual outcome. If you put in a mediocre effort, you get a mediocre result.
On the other hand if you know where you want to end up and you put in a committed effort, there is a much better chance that you will arrive at your destination in the earliest time possible…. together.
“Where the focus goes the energy flows”. In other words, if you know where you want to go and you take the steps to get there – if you act with commitment and you refuse to give up – then you will have a better chance of a successful outcome. You need to know what you want and you cannot be abstract or vague in describing it. You have to be able to see it in your mind’s eye, imagine yourself already there and then just do it! That is the missing link.
There is no time to waste. You must be able to :
- identify what you want to achieve from therapy;
- take full responsibility for your past and future actions;
- define a “recovery plan” that makes sense making sure that it is achievable; and
- keep focused by practicing “V-I-S-I-O-N” and using it to stay on course by resisting the temptation to give up prematurely when the going gets tough during the recovery process.
Ideally, this work needs to be completed as soon as possible by you and your partner – before the commencement of joint couple sessions. Being able to define “the missing link” will make it easier to keep your recovery process moving forward. It also paves a path for you and your partner to follow so you can experience a meaningful and productive recovery within the shortest time possible.
Do you know your V-I-S-I-O-N?