What it Takes to Heal: One of the Essentials

The guidelines that result in a successful recovery follow.  People who had an affair must commit to the majority of these guidelines if they are going to be able to help their spouse feel safe enough to give them another chance?  This is where the rubber hits the road and represents the difference between a successful rebuilder and someone who says they want to rebuild, but quickly tires of trying after a period of time.  It is the difference between the person who wants to help their partner heal and the person who says they do but who lacks patience, compassion, empathy and the ability to express these over time.  Yes, the successful rebuilder wants  their partner to heal, regain a feeling of safety and above all, they want to save their relationship and recommit to their partner.

The Guidelines: SUCCESSFUL REBUILDER :

(Linda j. MacDonald)

• are non-defensive about what they did
• examine their motives for their affair(s) without blaming their spouse (all too often blame is the name of the game for these people)
• accept their role as healers to their wounded partners (a difficult role to play and for the Hurt Partner to accept)
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done (successful rebuilders work hard to win back the hurt partner.  Winning them back is their priority)
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouse a lot of room to express their feelings (and don’t tire of hearing it regardless of the amount of guilt and/or shame they feel)
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering (they accept that the Hurt Partner will not heal according to when they want them to heal)
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable  for their time and activities (willing is the operative word.  They want to be accountable and don’t feel forced)
• frequently check in with their spouse, wanting to know how they are doing (Successful Rebuilders are proactive.  They ask their spouse how they are doing)
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair (anticipation and awareness shows the hurt partner that the successful rebuilder is thinking of them.  This sends the message to the hurt partner that the successful rebuilder is not thinking about someone else)
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair (Successful Rebuilders allow their partner to decide what to do with the reminders)
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty and spiritual growth
  
  

According to MacDonald successful Rebuilders have humility.

–       SUCCESSFUL REBUILDERS embrace their role as HEALERS

–       SUCCESSFUL REBUILDERS work hard to undo the damage of the affair and make amends and

–       SUCCESSFUL REBUILDERS honour the time it takes for their spouses to heal.

“When a PARTIIPATING PARTNER makes a conscious choice to become a SUCCESSFUL REBUILDER they not only heal their partner’ hurts, they also resolve their own.” (Linda J. MacDonald, M.S)

I believe that these guidelines are essential to recovery.  Furthermore, I believe that the guidelines must be followed for as long as is required if a participating partner is to make the transformation from being a participating partner into a successful rebuilder.  The field currently lacks a scientific test that can be given to assess the commitment of a participating partner to helping the hurt partner heal.  The guidelines proposed by MacDonald acts as an excellent indicator of a participating partner’s true intentions.