Disclosing Your Affair to Your Partner

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Factors that can Influence Disclosure

The length of your marriage or committed relationship
Whether this is your first affair
Whether your spouse has had an affair
How satisfying your relationship has been for you and your partner
Whether there has been any recent or on-going issues between you and your partner
The length of the affair
The type of the affair (emotional, physical, or both emotional and physical?
Whether your partner is aware of your affair or suspected it
Whether the disclosure of the affair will come as a surprise to your partner
Based on your spouse’s personality and history, how you expect them to react. If you expect violence speak with a professional first

Before Disclosing Your Infidelity to your Partner

make sure to have ended the affair
be clear within yourself why you have decided to disclose the infidelity now
try to understand why you had the affair. If you do not know why you were unfaithful you should pursue individual counseling first

How to Approach Disclosure

you must be completely honest
don’t overwhelm your partner with information
expect an extreme reaction from your partner so whatever you say, avoid overwhelming your partner with information and words. It is likely that only a fraction of what you say will be heard
it would be appropriate to briefly share your insights about your infidelity with your partner but be careful not to blame your partner for your affair. This can be like walking a tightrope

If you don’t know why you were unfaithful, if possible to do so it may be prudent to delay your disclosure until you do

express how sorry you are and how much you regret your decision to have been unfaithful. Emphasize that you have ended the affair and that your decision is that you want to work on the committed relationship if your partner agrees to do so. It is likely that your partner will not be able to give you an answer on the spot
state your hope for the future but be realistic and sensitive to the need that you may need to give your partner time.

Steps to Disclosing your Affair to Your Partner

Step One

End the affair immediately. You have to choose between your long-term partner or your affair partner and your committed partner will likely ask whether the affair has ended.

Step Two

Choose a time to talk with your partner when he/she is not distracted, anxious, or upset. Take your partner to a private location. Be sure that your children are cared for by another adult and that you will have plenty of time alone with your partner. Do not rush the disclosure

Step Three

Sit your partner down and explain the infidelity. This would include:

that you made a mistake
that you ended the affair
why you decided to tell your partner now
share your insights as to why you believe you had the affair
(if true) that having the affair never meant that you stopped loving your partner or that you wanted to leave
that you are sorry for hurting your partner and for betraying his/her trust in you. You must express true remorse
that you take full responsibility for your decision

I recommend that you prepare your disclosure in advance, write down what you want to say. Emotions will run high and you want to avoid becoming tongue-tied and confused. Disclosing infidelity is a stressful and difficult thing to do.

Keep your disclosure simple and brief but at the same time answer any questions that your partner may have. You do not have to give details of your affair but be honest with your partner. Some detail-giving will be appropriate but others (ex. your sexual encounters) will make your partner’s healing process much more difficult. However, answer questions asked of you because silence will be interpreted as you continuing the affair and/or protecting the affair partner and not focusing on the committed relationship with your partner.

If you are worried about your own safety, or the safety of your partner, speak with a professional knowledgeable about infidelity BEFORE disclosure.

Aug 28, 2009